Happy Mother’s Day to all mothers, moms, mommies, mama, nanay, including grandmas and lolas…. especially to first-time-mothers and mothers-to-be.

For the whole week, I had been trying to work on a post for Mother’s Day! Something nice, light and appropriate .. but nothing came to me. I think, it’s mostly because the week has been difficult for me. I had been feeling … tired, doubtful and insecure, clueless, heavy hearted, inadequate, measuring myself below my own standards on being a mother, or a parent, etc. etc.

I tried to send out the Mother’s Day cards for my mother and mother-in-law, but we didn’t have stamps so they will be sent out late … until we will be able to go the post office. Another blunder! But I managed to send out Mother’s Day Greetings online to a few moms I know.

So the days went by. And then this morning, I dragged myself to get up to feed Baby Mark, then Matthew, my 3-year-old baby, woke up and squeezed himself to sit with us in the rocking chair – just like any other morning!

I planned the rest of the day in my mind. I haven’t showered for days so I swore to myself that I will start the day with a shower and washing my greasy hair, whether or not the babies will cooperate! If only I had gotten up earlier while all the babies were still sleeping to take a shower… oh well. I’ll just leave the small baby in the crib, crying or not, when I shower; and then make sure the big baby will be preoccupied watching cartoons, if not i’ll open the shower curtains to make sure he will be by the bathroom door the whole time, and not fussing the baby in the crib. And that it shouldn’t be over 10-minute. Sigh.. how did a 10-minute shower became this complicated and so planned out? And then, I’ll give them both a bath – whether or not they will cooperate!

The flowers are in the kitchen right now, where it is the safest from the tinkering fingers of a toddler!

Already showered and Baby Mark already had a bath, I continued planning out the rest of the day in my head, while scrubbing Matthew in his bath. Matthew was crying the because I was scolding him for drinking his bath water (water from the tub) using his bath toys. Baby Mark, who has cooperated the whole time, was in the crib crying his head off this time! Then lo and behold, hubby dropped by from after their usual Sunday Morning activities with the cadets, took the baby to his arms and was standing by the bathroom door. He said he just wanted to say ‘hi!’ before he goes off for brunch. When I finished giving Matthew a bath, I saw the cards and hand-picked-straight-from-the-front-yard red flowers in the dresser. They were for me for Mother’s day. Sigh! Hubby did it again … make me feel like crying!

When I woke up this morning, I totally forgot that it’s Mother’s Day and throughout the recent weeks, I didn’t really put it in my head that today is about me too. So today of all days, I’m glad I showered! All my plans for the day – I threw them off the window, and spent the day being puked on by a baby (so much for the shower), picking after a toddler, facebooking and watching feel good movies on TV.

On another note, Baby Mark turns 1-month old today. On the better part of the day, we managed to keep the floor tidy and took some photos.

Day by day, I am bombarded with my new reality, that now – I am a mom of 2 boys! I can’t complain for my life is good. It’s just that … when I was young and dreaming of how my life could be, sure I dreamt of being married to a loving husband, but I just never really imagined to be a mom, much less a mom of 2 boys,.. that sometimes this reality is hard to believe.

With my boys, Matthew (3) and Baby Mark (almost 3 weeks), Photo taken 28 April 2010

Reality 1: Overwhelming Blues

It is hard enough to find nice clothes for boys, while the pink dresses are plentiful in wider aisles. But when you can actually find nice clothes for boys, why do they always have to be blue.

Reality 2: Boy Toys Overload

Car toys, robots, tractors, action figures, Hot wheels, … need I say more!

Reality 3: Boys are messy

Ever since Matthew was potty trained, I’ve taught him over and over to lift up the toilet seat when he goes. When he forgets, and I forget that he just recently used the bathroom when I use the bathroom, guess what I will be sitting on. Grrr! I know… I have to check each time… or I better get me my own bathroom!

And while diaper changing Baby Mark, I have to remind myself to cover him up. Little boys have the ability to spray it all over. I have to catch the wetness a lot of times just so not to get it all over… me.

I look forward to all the fun we are going to have. I look forward to confirming that raising boys in the long run is easier than raising girls … a lot more fun and less drama.

I love my boys!

I just wanted to wash him a little bit, brush his teeth and get him ready for bed. It was a really long day of chasing Matthew with no nap time. I was feeling crappy, haven’t showered for days, my hips were hurting and my head was heavy with stuffy nose. And all he still wanted to do was to jump and down the bed, run around and make me chase him. He is in his most playful mood. While I wasn’t in the chasing mood!

I used my scariest voice, scariest face and even spanking him just to get him to settle down and listen and just do what I want – which was to get in the bathroom, stand still at the tub so I can wash him. But nothing I did worked. I was really frustrated. It seemed that he is even enjoying my frustration as part of his game, as he made me chase him again. He laughed everytime I wouldn’t catch him.

As I have managed to get a hold of him, literally dragging him to the bathroom, I was out of breath by his struggling to get off my tight hold. I was able to wash him but not too easily. The next task was to brush his teeth, but as soon as he was able to get off the tub, he ran off like he was happy to have escaped. He ran off towards the door and started slamming the door.

I just heard a ringing in my head at the slamming of the door. I told him to stop but he continued to do so. I was afraid he was going to place his other hand at the slamming door like he did earlier that day, so as soon as the door closed I locked the door. I was inside the bathroom by myself, while he was outside, yelling out ‘Mommy!’

I didn’t open the door. I was pacing myself, just hiding inside the bathroom. I was just so tired, that I started crying. I heard hubby’s voice from the outside then he opened the door. Somehow, him seeing me crying like that made my feel even worse, that I cried even more. I just wanted to brush his teeth and him ready for bed, so when he’s fallen asleep I can take a shower and hopefully feel better, but Matthew wasn’t cooperating and i was feeling really frustrated.

The rest of the night was easier with hubby’s presence but I couldn’t help my tears from falling down as I was brushing his teeth and putting his jammies on, while his lips were curled down like he was about to cry but preventing himself to cry. To his innocent mind he was only playing and having fun, but at that time, my poor baby was scared and absorbing my negative feelings.

Then hubby took him to his office, made him sit in the corner and not letting him play for slamming the door and not listening to mommy. I brought him his milk, then he dozed off while drinking his milk. Then he was off to bed, finally.

This happened a week ago. I was definitely not at my best as a mother. Frustration got the best of me. I had to cry.