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November 30th, 2009

The Kick That Brought Me Back…

We were in Florida to celebrate Thanksgiving with my in-laws. Coming to Florida promises a welcomed break from work for hubby and for me and Matthew too. Somehow, I feel that Matthew needs to be with other people aside from myself to interact with, like my mother-in-law, who always welcomes a chance to take care of him personally.

We arrived Florida on Saturday, about 5-days before Thanksgiving Day, a little earlier than when we could have planned to come if I didn’t have an appointment to renew my passport at a Philippine Consulate in Fort Lauderdale, Miami on Monday. So on my appointment day, from my in-laws place, hubby and I drove south to Miami for almost 3 hours. Matthew stayed with his Grandma and Grandpa.

I have to specifically mention how hubby puts up with me being so dependent on him to go to places. He has to drive me around and has to put up with my silly questions while we are driving. But he is always so gracious to drive me around and do these favors for me. Well he really doesn’t have a choice, does he?

We reached the Philippine Consulate early. I asked hubby to just stay at the car because of the limited waiting area and I know he can do a lot more while waiting in the car with his iPhone. Actually he watched a movie while waiting in the car. One of the perks of his iPhone, which he is so happy about.

Anyway, while I was waiting for my appointment, I met this Filipino lady, who is also there to renew her passport. I think she’s younger than me if she’s not almost my age and she works in IT field in Orlando, Florida. We talked about coming to America; Tokyo’s high cost of living; how we both got to Miami – she flew while I(we) drove; about what’s obvious like my pregnancy, and that we are both married and she had to be off work just to be there; and other random stuffs.

Our appointment went on fine. She was served before me so she left before I did. I wanted to pass her my email address and my facebook profile so we can somehow keep in touch but the flow of events just prevented me to. Oh well! After my appointment was done, hubby and I drove back. We were anxious for a little bit of quality time together. We had Italian for hearty dinner at Olive Garden. Then we reached home first while Matthew and my in-laws weren’t home yet from visiting friends. So hubby and I welcomed more quality time alone together until they arrived.

My mother-in-law was so proud of Matthew’s behavior. He behaved really well for the whole day and that he charmed everyone! The rest of the evening went on fine. I had a chance to check my email and online stuffs. Hubby attempted to finish the movie Kill Bill: Vol 2 on TV but he couldn’t (so sleepy) so we headed to bed, with Matthew co-sleeping with us. I think we all slept right away. We all had a full day including Matthew, who occasionally plays first before going to sleep but that time – he didn’t. The next thing I remember is waking up from a very vivid strange dream.

In my dream, I was in a plane with college acquaintances. They are all engineers already, looking for a better job in the field. One of them is telling everyone that he is going to this city to apply for a job. And then the other one turned his attention on me. He said that he heard that I was doing good working for Epson in Japan so he is curious what I was doing there. I simply said I quit my job and that I am looking for a job myself. And then on a split second, I was at my mother’s house, telling her that I was going to that city to apply for a job there because I’ve heard that there are good engineering jobs there. While I was talking to her, I felt so bad as if I’ve had no job for a long time and that I had been living off of her; and that I am resolved to make amends. Still in my dream, I am trying so hard to complete my resume. I was stuck with putting names as my references, but all I could write are my managers and colleagues from Epson. It has been years since I left Epson, and I was trying to remember what I did after that to add into my resume. In my dream I felt so problematic that there’s a big time gap since my time in Epson. What I did since Epson, I just could not remember! Then all of a sudden, I felt a kick in my face. I woke up from that dream with Matthew’s foot on my face. He was trying to lie down across hubby and me on top of our head pillow, that in so doing, his foot landed on my face while he was head to head with his daddy.

I got up about 5:00 am! I was just too awake from that strange dream. And I know where it stemmed from – from that lady at the consulate. She is seemingly at the top of her IT career like I was when I was a Software Developer in Epson. And I didn’t even mentioned to her that I was once in the same career field as she is. All I’ve mentioned is that we moved from Tokyo, that I met and married my husband in Japan. I left it to her to assume whatever I did in Japan. The thing is – I really don’t talk much about myself – only about what’s current and obvious. But while talking to her, I had wondered what it would have been like if I pursued my career field. But that thought was easily scratched off my mind when we parted ways. Somehow my subconscious brought that thought back in my sleep…

Funny how Matthew’s kick literally pulled me back to my reality, to remind me that I am a wife and mother now; and the choices I’ve made. Since my career as Software Developer for Epson, I got married. After which I’ve concentrated on having a family that while trying, waiting to be pregnant, I chose to work nearby as IT Support at Yokota Airbase – something less lucrative than Software Developer. Then we had Matthew and had been a stay-at-home mom since then. And then, just as I thought Matthew is old enough that I have started to take steps to get back slowly – careerwise, I am pregnant again. I am quite sure that I would be happily taking the same choices for this 2nd baby – to be there personally, and having to give up my desires for a career, financial independence, etc …

I honestly have no regrets and I could easily move on because I believe that – in life, whatever you end up choosing, there’s always something that’s gotta give! It’s just that for me, there are some days when it’s tougher to reconcile with some of the things I have given up for the choices I made.

Reflections
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5 Comments to 'The Kick That Brought Me Back…'

  • November 30, 2009
    Anna Castillo

    glad to hear you’re not regretting your decisions! matthew and the baby in your tummy would be glad to be growing up with a mommy who’s there to cherish with them the growing-up years. there’s no feeling worse than being sad by yourself, being nervous by yourself, and even being happy by yourself when you’re a kid, and you wanna share ‘everything’ to either mommy or daddy and neither is there! nice to know you have a fulfilling life right now. i’m sure the ladies (hehe, i guess we’re not girls anymore huh!) know very well how good you are. take care!

  • November 30, 2009

    hi charm!somehow i can relate to your post…each one of us has their own choices to make at some point in our lives…

    i’m happy for you because you’re happy and embracing all the blessings that were showered upon you. =)

  • December 1, 2009

    Somehow, i could relate too. I am working but not as a Software Engineer anymore. I’m seeing myself not working anymore for this company when I deliver our baby, because the pay is not worth (i.e. not enough) the sacrifice (househelper needed while we’re here, pay for the helper and the like) so, I will be jobless. I am hoping to land on a job though but it will take some time because I’ll have to start all over again.

    When we marry and esp. when we have (a) kid/s, we make big decisions.

  • December 3, 2009

    This is a beautifully written post! I can relate to it, in that I temporarily gave up my career to raise Emma, and am just now getting back into the work force.

  • December 9, 2009

    I say women who has the choice (maybe a better word is “privilege”) to be able to do what you do is lucky. I don’t have the same privilege. Enjoy Matthew and your new baby soon!

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